They say you are as old (or young ) as you feel. Some people
feel that one should never allow the child in them to grow old because as long
as your spirit is childlike you will be young at heart. There are others who say
that one should act their age – so if you are 50 and behaving like a child
there is something wrong with you. In other words, one should be a hypocrite
who feels one way but acts to the contrary.
Like most people I too have struggled with this hypocrisy. I
feel like a kid but must act like a mature grown-up. I have been trying to
figure out what about me has changed ( apart from the physical aspect ) which
is different from when I was a child and really nothing comes to mind. I seem
to be lumbering through the years but
the spirit seems to be the same as it was when I had just started to discover this
world many decades ago. I still love amusement parks, I still love to day dream
just as I did when I was in school and most of all I am still full of
anticipation. More than anything else childhood is about anticipation - waiting
for life to unfold when we grow up. A child observes the grown-up world and
wonders when they will be able to participate in it. Childhood is all about
waiting for the future. Strangely enough I seem to be doing the same.
At my age people are usually done with the ‘living’ aspect
of life. This is when retirement is a reality looming on the horizon and people
start mentally preparing themselves for illnesses, sedentary life styles and
winding down for the inevitable. I should be doing the same. That’s the
sensible approach to life, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling that there
are many more turn on this journey.
Probably this extended childhood is due to the fact that for
my mother I am still her little girl, and for me she is still the grown up of
the house. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t remember anything I tell her, I
still seek her permission for even the smallest matters just as I did in my
childhood. I don’t need her permission, nor does she really fully grasp the
situation, but it makes me feel better.
Having a parent alive is perhaps the most important factor
for a prolonged childhood. It doesn’t matter how old you are, as long as there
is even one parent alive you are officially a child. By the same argument, it doesn’t
matter how young they are, children who do not have any parents tend to grow-up
at tender ages. They may be physically small but they carry inside them the
maturity of years.
I know my childhood will not last much longer. Unlike a
child who can’t wait to grow-up, childlike grown-ups can’t bear the thought of
it because it means the loss of parents. We are Peter Pans who never want to
grow-up. And herein lies the dilemma. On one hand I am still waiting to grow-up,
while on the other I want it to continue as is.
