My Epic Struggle

The most epic struggles of human beings are those in which we battle ourselves. When the conflict is between not just the heart and mind but also that of what we feel is right and what the world tells us to do. I was recently involved in one such battle.

For years I have been teaching my participants that one’s personal values are the compass by which one should take decisions. Any decision one takes contrary to their values, no matter how sound it may be on face value, will eventually result in unhappiness. Of course in order to have this compass one needs to take a very long and hard look at themselves and find out what their values are. What defines them? What principles do they hold dear? Over the course of many years of introspection I have come to the conclusion that the one value which is of utmost priority in my life is ‘Independence’. Everything I have done or not done has been to protect this value.

I was recently offered a job and on the surface it would have meant that I would have been free of the pressure of self-employment. It seemed like a good offer and my friends suggested that I go for it. But for some reason I felt a constriction in my chest every time I thought about accepting this position. I knew that this meant violating my value and I was not happy about that. However if the situation was this simple I would have ended the dilemma there and then. But there were other more important underlying questions for which I was struggling to find answers.

Was this offer a signal from the universe to move on to another level of my career? Was Law of Attraction at play here and this had been manifested as a solution to my problems and stress? Or was this a test from the universe to see if I have the power to remain true to myself? How would I ever be able to stand and deliver my message with congruence ever again if I myself was going against it? The more I deliberated the more confused I became.

I have always maintained that growth requires getting out of our comfort zones and since I was getting uncomfortable with this situation perhaps this was the next chapter in my life’s education curriculum. Logic dictated that I say ‘yes’ but the heart said ‘no’. For every answer another question popped up. And each day I became more and more miserable. I felt as if a heavy weight was bearing down upon me. Each time I imagined myself in that office my heart started pounding.

Being a student of NLP for over 20 years, I have developed a fairly strong bond with my sub-conscious and I’m usually quite receptive to the signals it gives me. When my discomfort wasn’t helping me arrive at a decision, thankfully my sub-conscious took the matter in its own hands. During one of my meetings with my potential employers I suddenly got a massive headache. That headache lasted for over 24 hours and no amount of medicine had any affect on it. It was the worst headache I have ever suffered in over 25 years! Our sub-conscious is much more powerful than our conscious mind. It is always a step ahead and I believe the statement from the Quran that God is closer to us than our jugular and if this is the case then I think He communicates to us through our sub-conscious. Many people unfortunately have become very adept at ignoring this communication. The communication comes as ideas, thoughts, flashes of images but when we pay no heed to these then it resorts to more tangible means like a child saying ‘hear me, hear me’ and when we don’t he tugs our shirt to get attention. The sub-conscious does exactly that…when we do not hear what it is trying to say it sends its message as a physical sensation. The more ignored it feels the harder it tugs i.e. the sensation becomes painful just like my headache.

In the end I listened to my sub-conscious, I went the way of my heart and refused the job. The immense relief I felt let me know that I was right. I had passed the test life had thrown my way and in the process I had validated everything I had been teaching for so long.  Some people may find it strange that a simple employment offer could trigger such a conflict, but I believe that every major decision we take in our lives requires us to take a long hard look at ourselves. This whole episode taught me one very important lesson – sometimes temptations come into our lives masked as opportunities. We should definitely avail opportunities in our lives but not at the expense of our selves.

Celestial Beings

If there is one sight that brings out emotions like awe, peace, inspiration, curiosity and humility in us regardless of our age, culture or religion, it is a starry sky.  It has the capacity to evoke pure and positive emotions in us. No matter how tense we may be, how angry or hopeless, the night sky soothes us, makes us realize the insignificance of our problems and fills us with wonderment.

Our fascination with the night sky is as old as the history of mankind itself. When early man looked up at the glittering universe it was perhaps the first instant when humans became aware of Divinity. When we realized that there was a Higher Power. As our civilization evolved we developed mythologies to explain our relation with the stars, we became fascinated with astronomy and religions from the earliest times to the present day allude to God, hell and heaven all being ‘above’.  From time immemorial humans have always felt a sense of connectedness with the visible universe, it has always been for us the place where we ‘go’ after we die. Somehow the thought of returning to the universe after death makes it easier to accept the finality of our physical existence.

What is surprising is not why we feel this way towards the universe but that for thousands of years we have instinctively known what science has recently confirmed – we are celestial. Every element on this earth including every single molecule in our bodies comes from stars in their death throes – the Supernovae. We are literally made of star material.

The glory of a night sky is all but hidden for all of us who live in cities. The light pollution prevents us from seeing the stars. Our opportunities to look up and gasp in wonder are non-existent unless we go out in the wilderness. The layer of pollution not only blankets the planet it also stands as a barrier between us and our true selves. Just like we are unable to see what is above us, we have become unable to see what is within us. The more we lose touch with the universe the more we are losing touch with all that’s pure and good in ourselves. The more light we have the darker the night sky appears. The more ‘advanced’ human civilization becomes the less visible human beings are becoming to each other. The haze within us is that of intolerance, greed, fear, manipulation and compromises on values and principles. We find it difficult to see people as they really are only as how we want to see them.

We are celestial in our composition and therefore connected with all that is in the universe, and by the same logic we are also all connected to whatever there is on this planet – especially other people. Just because we can’t see the stars doesn’t mean they have disappeared and just because we refuse to see good in people doesn’t mean that people are not good. 

Thank You Life

After spending nearly half a century on this planet, hosting my non-physical self in this physical body, it is perhaps time to take stock of some of the lessons I have learnt so far along this journey.

Perhaps my greatest lesson has been that what you shun most has a way of manifesting itself in your life. Whenever I have been judgemental and by that I mean having put a negative label on anything or anyone based solely on ‘instinct’,  life has somehow thrown that very thing in my path and invariably I have changed my initial opinion. It has been life’s way of teaching me to be non-judgemental and open to perspectives different from me. I take this as a blessing – for indeed only a good teacher will make such an effort to teach an important lesson rather than just giving up on the student. So thank you life saving me from bigotry and fanaticism.

My life has been mostly magical. I have traveled extensively, met a multitude of people and have had many exciting experiences. So it is no wonder that when I hit a bad patch it seemed like the end of the world and many a times I really wanted it to be so. But this was another important lesson that was slowly unfolding. At the end of this chapter I learnt that in the scheme of things a rough ride for a couple of years is really insignificant no matter how bumpy it may have been. The most important thing I learnt is that there is always a solution to the worst of problems, one just needs to keep searching and if you do not give up when you hit the point of desperation, the solution will come to you. So thank you life - for teaching me that even when I have nothing else, if I have my will-power and wits I can survive. And another thank you for introducing me to the strength within me – it will always remain my most cherished possession.

Most people find it unusual that I am single. They think there must be either something wrong with me, or that I am nursing a wounded heart or there has to be some dark secret behind this state of affairs, many even feel sorry for me! Let me dispel all doubts once and for all – I am this way because I choose to be so and believe it or not I’m happy. This has been another lesson life taught me – the difference between romance and marriage. Like most people I have been ‘in love’ many times but none of these relationships seemed to materialize into marriage. At first like most women are conditioned to think, I too started wondering what was wrong with me? Then I took a long hard look at all the people I was ‘in love’ with over the years – and you know what? They were all wrong for me – every single one! Which means that I was deliberately seeking out people with whom I knew sub-consciously that there was no chance of getting into a life long commitment. Upon further analysis, it dawned on me that I really did not want to share my entire life with anyone. Being an only child and extremely independent from an early age I was too selfish to really allow so much space to anyone in my life. I am not saying it is right, but it is me. So thank you life for having given me the wisdom to realize my own limitations and preventing me from making a mistake which would have had disastrous consequences not only for me but at least one more person.

Most people know that my mom suffers from dementia and anyone who has to deal with such a person also knows that living with them is an agonizing experience. My mother has transformed into a person who is so far removed from the person who raised me that at times it is like living with a total stranger. In my worst times when I wished nothing more than to end the whole thing the one thing that prevented me was my mother. Without me there would be no one to take care of her, and that one thought gave me the courage to keep on fighting.  So thank you life for teaching me that no matter what the circumstances may be parents are always a blessing for their children. They don’t just give you life they protect it too.

The say ‘when the student is ready the teacher appears’. I am ready and I know my teacher will continue to teach me many more valuable lessons.

My Defining Books

The most important book in my life is ‘Noddy’s Car’ a picture book which my father gave me when I was three years old. Since I hadn’t learnt to read at that time I badgered others to read it aloud to me and soon I knew the story so well that I could just flip the pages,look at the pictures and follow the story.  Nothing remarkable about that – but then one day magic happened. As I was flipping through the pages I started to read the story, at first I didn’t realize what was happening but then suddenly I realized that I WAS READING! That instant of realization, that moment of wonder is frozen in my memory as if it just happened.  I had acquired the single most important skill which would shape my life forever in that very moment.

Over the next few years I became an avid reader. Being an only child I found companionship in books. Perhaps the single most important influencer in my life other than my parents was Enid Blyton, whose books I grew up with, and many of the values I carry to this day came from her characters. Of all the books I possess my most cherished collection is the Enid Blyton books which sit at the top couple of shelves encased with a glass door.  There was a book shop near the house we lived in at that time and I was its most regular customer, in fact after a while I didn’t even need to go to the shop myself I just sent the money and the store keeper knew which book was next on my reading list. The characters of those books became my friends and I spent hours talking to my imaginary friends. You could say that books saved me as a child, if I did not have them in those early years of my life I wonder how lonely my childhood would have been and what effects would I have suffered as a result of that solitude.

The next milestone on my significant books journey is a book on social anthropology entitled ‘Faces of Mankind’ which I was given at the age of 9. I became fascinated with the different races and tribes that I hadn’t ever encountered before.  I came across the term ‘Neanderthal’ for the first time and found that humans evolved out of ape like creatures. That was the time the history bug bit me for the first time, I wanted to know more, I wanted to uncover old bones and go on digs, in short I announced that I wanted to be an archaeologist.  However my parents had other ideas for their little princess and certainly did not want her digging up old skulls – so that career choice never materialized, but my love for ancient history is still going strong.

Over the next few years I read many books, mostly fiction and management titles Then one day a book was recommended to me by a mentor ‘The Road Less Traveled’ by Dr. Scott Peck.  It is a book on psychology and discusses love, values and spiritual growth. This book opened a completely new path for me. A path of self discovery. I started to examine myself and my relation to my world view, I understood my own emotional fracture points, I realized that life was so much more than mere ambition.  In short I started understanding myself and examining my relationships – a journey which still continues. This book enticed me to read more self-help and spirituality material.  Paolo Coelho’s ‘AIchemist’ is definitely one of my favourite books, but I cannot categorize it as a milestone since it was ‘The Road Less Traveled’ that brought me to it.

Then one day I stumbled upon Robert Bauval’s ‘Orion Mystery’ in which he describes how the Pyramids of Giza are a depiction in stone of the Orion’s belt and how the ancient Egyptians were in fact emulating the cosmos on earth. My love for ancient mysteries and especially Egypt started with this book. Subsequently I started reading anything and everything I could find not only on Egypt but books on a multitude of topics concerning ancient civilizations including the Judaic history and the Ark of the Covenant, the Christian search for the Holy Grail and other ancient mysteries. I read about the Knights Templars, the Illuminati, and other secret societies. In short by the time Dan Brown came out with ‘Davinci Code’ I had already read the background research material on which it was based.

It was but natural that having my mind saturated with history of the rest of the world, I would start looking closer to home i.e. the Indus Valley and Vedic civilization.  Many people find it strange that I have the Upanishad, Rig Veda, Bhagwad Gita on my book shelf. Some have tried to let me know in not so many words that it is ‘not right’ but for me they are a source of knowledge and history. My focus is currently on the myths of Hindu religion and trying to analyze how they may have emanated and what historic events could have over the years snowballed into such fantastic tales. To study a religion does not mean one has converted to it.  My grandfather used to say “if you do not study other religions, you cannot appreciate your own completely” wise words indeed.

I have no idea what the next pit stop of my knowledge journey will be. Which book will take me on which path next is anybody’s guess, all I know is that books have been my surrogate parents thus far. They have played as important a role in my character development and life choices as my real parents. But one thing is for sure from ‘Noddy’s Car’ to ancient history the journey has been not only exciting but also one of expansion and extreme satisfaction.

The Myth Of Respect

In Pakistan we nurse many delusions and one of them is that respect is a quality which is the hallmark of our culture. If it were true then it would be a great asset of this nation, but in fact we confuse respect with courtesy.


Respect means to honour, value and hold in esteem. I believe that respect is a mindset that we either have or don’t. If we have the ability to respect, then it is not just confined to our family but the society as well. The society is a combination of laws, heritage, culture and people. If we respected our society we would not take pride in breaking the laws and showing off that we did. I’m not talking about crime here, just look at the way we drive on our roads, we don’t care what happens to the rest of the traffic as long as we can get ahead. We break signals, we drive in the wrong lanes, we speed and before we say this is lack of education, most of the educated class driving in luxury cars is just as guilty as the bus driver. Is this respect? I don’t think so!

The way we treat some of our most precious national treasures is appalling. Go to any historical site and you will find disfigurement, trash, and no effort to preserve it for posterity. The plight of Mohenjodaro is a tragedy which we should be ashamed of. The government may not be doing anything to preserve our heritage but that doesn’t mean that we should use ancient monuments to carve out our names. We respect our heritage? I don’t think so!

The way we attack public property every time we are excited is again evidence of how we disrespect the communities we live in. Our treatment of people who have points of views contrary to ours is also a case in point. Respect for human beings means we acknowledge and honour their right to be individuals and free thinkers, but the level of intolerance in our society tells a different story.

There are people who say that when we go abroad we become model citizens and it is the lack of law enforcement which is at the root of our problems. Perhaps so, but I feel we confuse fear with respect also - to do something out of fear means it is not our natural tendency to do so and given the chance we will revert to our original behaviour.

Whether we like to hear it or not, we are a supremely selfish nation. If our politicians only think of their own wealth it should not shock us. We too only think of our selves. We need instant gratification and for that purpose it doesn’t matter who or what we destroy. We don’t like to talk about these things and we find external reasons for our behaviours. But the problem lies within and that’s what we should examine with brutal honesty.

Confessions Of Craziness

I confess that I am crazy and I’m quite happy about it. There is a difference between insanity and craziness (at least according to me). To be insane means to not have any boundaries between the real and the imagined. Insane people are unable to censor their thoughts and actions. Crazy people on the other hand do have defined boundaries however they choose to push them beyond the norms of acceptance and hence ‘normalcy’.

To be normal simply means doing what the majority does and hence accepts. The question of right or wrong does not arise because the majority finds a way of justifying their actions somehow. Take the example of the difference between East and West - living with your parents and taking care of them in their old age is normal for the East but a grown man living with his parents is definitely not normal in the West. Different cultures will have different codes of normal conduct. So when I say I am crazy, perhaps that is not entirely true, rather I should say I am crazy in reference to the culture and society I live in.

There is a myth that crazy people do things that are ‘in-your-face’, deliberately trying to provoke the society into a reaction. Some do – yes, but at times that simply stems from a desire to be noticed and heard. However there is another type, the category to which I belong. My type lives their life ruled by the heart. I think life means much more than following a pattern which takes us from the cradle to the grave. My life is not a painting which you can step back and admire, rather it’s a collage and you need to come up close to see each element in order to understand it. To some I may seem unstructured in my approach, but I believe in collecting experiences.

I’ve made many mistakes that no ‘normal’ person would, but I cherish each one because it has taught me valuable life lessons which I can proudly claim to be my own. If my life is in a mess I have created it all on my own accord and have no one to blame since I asked no one before I made my choices. My own happiness is paramount to me but that doesn’t mean I’m selfish – I simply seek to remain true to myself and therefore be honest with the people who matter most to me. I am a recluse and people think its not normal, but I find empty chatter abnormal. To each their own.

I experience every emotion to its fullest. Sometimes I get morbidly depressed and find solace in the possibility of death and at others I am so elated that its sublime. My views may not be popular, but they are mine and I don’t dilute them to conform. I spend a lot of time understanding myself and though I know all my faults, weaknesses and delusions I have yet to discover who I really am. People have an end game in mind and they have a plan for how their life will pan out, me on the other hand – I just live day-to-day. I cannot see the road ahead with the clarity that others can but my life is filled with the expectation of what’s around the next bend. Usually there is a disaster waiting for me but I have never given up hope of finding the enchanted forest. I don’t reminiscent about my childhood, I keep it alive within me. Who I am and who I see in the mirror is the same person but stuck in different ages.

Some say it takes courage to live life on your own terms, but I disagree. It is a lot more difficult to live according to the expectations of other people. Often people spend their entire life making others happy and end up being miserable themselves and then spend the rest of the time making every one else pay for their negativity. What a sad way to live! When you are joyous only then can you make others happy. There are people who don’t even know what values are important in their lives, they take on popular values because they are subscribed to by the majority. I know what I value most in my life and though it may not be noble it defines who I am – independence. Every choice in my life has been made through this filter. The outcome may not have been desired, but I have no regrets – I experienced, I learnt, I moved on. The worst thing I can think of is to be on the death bed and say “I wish…”

When I die my epitaph will not read as the chronology of my birth and death date it will simply say “She refused to exist”. If I manage that then I can pat myself on the back and say “Sualeha life well lived”.

The Evil Within Us

When we think of the word ‘evil’ it conjures images of murder, rape, blood and mayhem in short all heinous crimes. We all have an opinion about evil but few of us truly understand it. Yes the most extreme manifestation of evil is all of the above, but there is a more common ‘garden variety’ of evil of which most are oblivious to and one which to which most of us succumb – knowingly or unwittingly.

The word EVIL is LIVE spelt backwards, hence in its broadest sense evil is anti-life. The question of course then is what is life? Does it mean the involuntary actions of all our organs such as blood pressure, breathing and digestion that our brain controls? Technically they say that once the brain ceases to function the human body dies. So what about the people who are on life support systems? Even in their most vegetative state, their brain is still functioning even though it may be with diminished capacity. Hence they are technically alive. But when we pray for a long life do any of us wish such a life for ourselves and our loved ones? Definitely not! Therefore, life has to mean more than that.

Is life the soul that exists within us? But the soul is immortal, and life in this physical form comes with an expiry called death. So let’s focus on what it means to be alive in this body that we are currently inhabiting. There are people who pray for death everyday, not because of any debilitating physical illness but simply because to go on living is a dreary and painful thought. These people have lost one precious quality that defines human life – hope. Hence we can safely say that one aspect of being alive is to have hope.

When we visualize a good life for ourselves there is one element which is common to us all no matter how big or small our dreams may be – happiness. We cannot imagine life without the ability to smile and be joyful. Regardless of whether we are rich or poor, are alone or have a large family, live in cities or in the middle of a jungle, for 7 billion people the essence of being alive is to be hopeful and happy. By this argument, evil is anything which takes away these 2 essential qualities of life.

When we cause the smile to disappear from someone’s face – we are being evil. When we bring despair into someone’s life – we are evil. When someone falls and we make them believe they can never get up again – we are evil. When we spread gloom and negativity – we are evil. When we use the ‘practicality’ card and ask someone to discard their dreams – we are evil. None of us can claim that we are not evil. We cannot control or change anyone else, but we can change ourselves by becoming aware of the evil within us – and all around us will also change.