Love Does Not Require The Mirror of Hate

The wonderful thing about life is that on every turn it poses a new question and it is in our struggle to find the answers to them that our growth takes place. I shudder at the thought of a life where I wouldn’t struggle with these dilemmas and mysteries. How boring our lives would be.  I never want my life to be a straight highway, I like to travel on curving bending roads clinging to the mountains. The views are great but you never know what the next bend will bring. I simply love it and on that note the latest question I am struggling with is precisely that - Love!

First let me clarify that I don’t mean romantic love, which one falls in and out of. I am talking about the more persistent and permanent kind of love, the kind we feel for our parents, kids, country etc. This is a deep seated emotion in humans and we cannot function without it. The absence of love especially in our formative years can lead to psychological problems which persist throughout our lives and prisons across the globe hold evidence of this.

We are reasonably good at loving people. Our love is not dependent upon contrast. Contrast is nature’s way of making us appreciate something by placing it next to something which is its absolute opposite. For example we appreciate light because of darkness, we crave for justice when we see injustice, we focus on abundance when we come across lack in any area of our life etc. But we don’t love our kids because we find our friend’s children disgusting. Our parents don’t tell us to show our love for them by showing hate for all other parents of this world. Then what happens to us when we apply the same love on concepts,  ideas or the intangible? Why does our love for our country have to be demonstrated by hating another? Why does love for your religion mean that you hate people of other religions? Why must I protect my ideas and paradigms by exhibiting a repulsion for those who have a completely opposite thought process? In short why is love so dependent on hate? I struggle with this especially when it comes to patriotism. I am a proud Pakistani and one who refuses by choice to live in any other country but why must I hate all Indians to prove my love for my country? Frankly I don’t care about my neighbor, they can do what they want in their house and I will do what I want in mine. Obviously if the people in my next door apartment do anything which violates my privacy, freedom or safety I should and I will retaliate. But unless that happens I will not go on telling everyone how much I hate them. Same rule applies to countries and religions etc.

If we want to change the world then we have to teach our children to love. You and I are not world leaders, nor are we revolutionaries, but in our homes running around and making incessant racket is tomorrow. Its these kids who will in a few years inherit this planet from us, if each parent taught their kids how to love without hating the opposite, in the next couple of decades this would be a different planet altogether. We need to let them know the mirror of hate does not reflect love. Alas no school teaches this and no parent thinks of it. In fact at home when we crib and swear about how much we hate the politicians, our boss, our colleague etc. we are teaching our kids that to love one means to hate the other. By the time the child is 3 years old his/her  world map is almost complete, largely drawn by what he/she hears regardless of their language skills.  So if you do nothing else the least you can do is shut up about your negativity when your child is within earshot even though that child is simply a drooling, gurgling baby right now.

A Book Waiting To Be Written

I have always wanted to write a book, but books are written by people who have answers or who have something original to contribute to the world. Books share knowledge and wisdom. A reader's world view expands with every book. Unfortunately I have no such thing to share. All I have are questions. I have an incredible desire to understand my life but every time I introspect I come up with more questions.

Everything happens for a reason is a mantra I have lived by all my life. Nothing is really random. All experiences, good or bad, are building blocks for future events. I am blessed to have really unusual childhood experiences. I grew up in a house where 5 languages were spoken and where religious tolerance was not just something my parents talked about but a living reality. My mom is Muslim and her best friend for now nearly 55 years is a Hindu. Although it has been 30 years since my aunt moved away to India, the bond between these two women is just as strong. Even my mom's dementia cannot dim her love for her best friend. 

The friendship of these two incredible ladies is so strong that our families grew up as one. They are sisters and their friendship is embraced by the entire family. My aunt's siblings consider my mom as another sister. The entire extended family on both sides takes it for granted that they are sisters. I have yet to come across another example of such strong and pure friendship. When one was worried or had a problem the other automatically knew it even before they spoke to each other. It was a unique telepathy.

The beauty of their relationship lies in their religious tolerance. Growing up, I saw that both ladies were strong in their own religious practices and yet never once have I come across an incident where one tried to convert the other. Nor did I ever see an occasion where one offended the other due to insensitivity. My aunt though not a vegetarian, does not eat beef obviously, so it was never cooked in our house. Simple. No beef, no issue of contamination. They kept life simple. Perhaps that is why they enjoyed their relationship.

All festivals were celebrated together, be it Eid or Diwali, we had a blast. My dad used to bring the fireworks for all the kids on Diwali and it never occurred to us that it was unusual. They taught me and my other cousins that you can remain true to your own beliefs while respecting the customs and rituals of others. We worshiped Allah and never bowed to any idols, but then we never showed any disrespect either. Few people are so lucky as to go through their formation years in such an environment.

The biggest issue I had as a child was that I was jealous of my cousin that my mom considered her perfect and wanted me to be like her and my cousin was jealous because her mom doted on me a bit too much. Sibling rivalry of an only child. It was a weird but wonderful childhood. Which is perhaps why I have so many questions now. At the back of my mind is the feeling that there is a higher purpose I have to fulfill and these childhood experiences were meant to build the foundation for it. But what? I don't think that merely an open mind is the purpose. That is my world view, but to do something concrete with this world view is the purpose. And I struggle each day to discover it.

Also I find it very strange that have experienced such friendship firsthand, why am I so aloof and disconnected with people? Surely with such an example in my life I should have long lasting and deep connection with people, or at least one friend. But strangely I find it very hard to hold and maintain friendships. I have friends yes, some I've known for nearly 30 years, but for some reason I can't seem to make the effort to keep in touch and invest in those relationships. Strange! How can a positive experience lead to such an opposite outcome?

Each chapter in my early life leads to more questions. I should be able to make sense of them but I can't. And till the day comes when I have clarity of understanding I cannot really write a book. After all, no reader in the world wants to end up more confused at the end of the book than when they started reading it. 

Waiting To Grow Up

They say you are as old (or young ) as you feel. Some people feel that one should never allow the child in them to grow old because as long as your spirit is childlike you will be young at heart. There are others who say that one should act their age – so if you are 50 and behaving like a child there is something wrong with you. In other words, one should be a hypocrite who feels one way but acts to the contrary.

Like most people I too have struggled with this hypocrisy. I feel like a kid but must act like a mature grown-up. I have been trying to figure out what about me has changed ( apart from the physical aspect ) which is different from when I was a child and really nothing comes to mind. I seem to be lumbering  through the years but the spirit seems to be the same as it was when I had just started to discover this world many decades ago. I still love amusement parks, I still love to day dream just as I did when I was in school and most of all I am still full of anticipation. More than anything else childhood is about anticipation - waiting for life to unfold when we grow up. A child observes the grown-up world and wonders when they will be able to participate in it. Childhood is all about waiting for the future. Strangely enough I seem to be doing the same.

At my age people are usually done with the ‘living’ aspect of life. This is when retirement is a reality looming on the horizon and people start mentally preparing themselves for illnesses, sedentary life styles and winding down for the inevitable. I should be doing the same. That’s the sensible approach to life, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling that there are many more turn on this journey.

Probably this extended childhood is due to the fact that for my mother I am still her little girl, and for me she is still the grown up of the house. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t remember anything I tell her, I still seek her permission for even the smallest matters just as I did in my childhood. I don’t need her permission, nor does she really fully grasp the situation, but it makes me feel better.

Having a parent alive is perhaps the most important factor for a prolonged childhood. It doesn’t matter how old you are, as long as there is even one parent alive you are officially a child. By the same argument, it doesn’t matter how young they are, children who do not have any parents tend to grow-up at tender ages. They may be physically small but they carry inside them the maturity of years.

I know my childhood will not last much longer. Unlike a child who can’t wait to grow-up, childlike grown-ups can’t bear the thought of it because it means the loss of parents. We are Peter Pans who never want to grow-up. And herein lies the dilemma. On one hand I am still waiting to grow-up, while on the other I want it to continue as is.