Death Wish

It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that I’m not really an ambitious person. For someone who has spent most of their life in corporate corridors training people who can’t wait to get to the top, it is no easy fact to accept. For a long time I felt there was something wrong with me – some form of mental illness perhaps? I look around at the people I know and they all seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere, to gain something, to be something, and I seem to be the only one just strolling down this path, having no burning desire to achieve anything specific in my life. I could find nothing in my life to which I could attach my happiness – when I get …I will be happy, when I become…I will be happy or when I go ….I will be happy. No such statements really spring up in my mind. It’s not that I have achieved utter bliss, there are a lot of things wrong with my life but somehow I know that in spite of all the imperfections I will survive and I although I want things to change, I can’t really find the fire within me to make an all our effort to do so.

Since this ‘condition’ was not normal I tried to analyze what exactly was the root of this problem. During this psychoanalysis I discovered one thing – I really believe in my immortality. I believe that the soul is eternal and I’m currently on a journey in this physical body. Since this is for me a transient phase I don’t really have the pressure of getting things done within my lifetime. I’m a tourist and as such I’m just soaking in the experiences of this journey, I am not putting the pressure of an itinerary on this trip. Having made this discovery about myself I realized that I was lying when I said I had no ambition – I did, but not one for this current physical life.

Now some of you may think I’ve gone all religious and have started to collect reward points which will get me to Heaven. Not really. I want 3 things to happen when I die. First I hope that there will be that moment of clarity when I can finally understand what my real place in the Universe is and why I was made to undertake this journey. The second is a free pass to roam the Universe. I wish my spirit could journey through the vastness of this Universe and witness its wonders. I want to see galaxies spiraling in space, I want to see a nebula where new stars are being formed, I want to see a Quasar in action in short I want to see first hand everything that I cannot while I’m in this physical body. The last thing I would like to happen when I die is to be able to answer questions which have been baffling scientists for so long – what are the other dimensions which exist other than those of time and space which we experience? What was before the beginning of the Universe? What happens after the end of our Universe?

Most people would say that I should be more concerned about making it to Heaven and making sure I don’t end up in Hell, but perhaps my definition of Heaven is a bit different. Sitting in a garden eating and drinking all day long is not really such a motivator for me, my idea of Heaven is knowledge. There are those who would be quick to term this as heresy or blasphemy since the religious texts specifically mention a garden as the final destination of the good and pious, however, I have a different take on this. We spent years trying to understand poetries written by masters and yet we are stupid enough to think that a text sent down by God himself can be understood at a literal level? If as we Muslims believe that Allah himself has promised to preserve the Quran till the Day of Judgement, then isn’t it obvious that as our civilization evolves we would understand the depth of the layers that each word contains?

The success of a religion is dependent on the validity of its message through the millennia and its ability to speak to mankind as it keeps evolving its level of knowledge. For people who lived 2000 to 14000 years ago in an arid and barren land an incentive of lush gardens ample water, milk and honey would be the best to entice them towards good – that is what they could relate to, what they could understand, hence that was the description of  Heaven. However that doesn’t really mean that Heaven is a particular location somewhere up in the skies. For all we know, we may just end up as pure consciousness in another dimension, a concept we are only now beginning to marginally understand. Anyway, this is not really about Heaven or Hell, this piece is about my desires.

So my life is without ambition, but I have a few desires for after I die. Having said that I realize that to say I have no ambition is not entirely true. My ambition or burning desire is to get to the truth and that perhaps is not possible while we are in this physical existence.

Lead me from untruth towards the truth

Lead me from darkness towards light

Lead me from mortality towards immortality

This is a beautiful prayer which perhaps defines my desires very well. The fact that it is in Sanskrit will make some squirm, as they will immediately jump to the conclusion that if its in Sanskrit then I’m leaning towards Hinduism. However these lines do not really mention any god or goddess, in fact it is a plea from a student to his teacher. Besides, belief in a religion and understanding other religious texts are 2 separate things. Surely if just by reading about other religions your own belief starts to waver, then your faith was weak in the first place.  The Sanskrit version is:

Asatho Maa Sad Gamaya

Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya

Mrithyor Maa Amritham Gamaya

The Greatest Gift

I’m back after a long period of silence. It’s not that I didn’t have to say anything for so long – but rather too much. All the ideas were fighting for supremacy and the result was complete incoherence – just chatter. There was no shortage of subjects but I couldn’t find the words to give those ideas any form. Everything was getting jumbled up inside my mind, leaving me bewildered. It was a strange feeling, perhaps the closest analogy I can find is that of someone in a coma. They say comatose patients can take  inputs from their surroundings but they are incapable of reacting to them. Such was my case. I knew what I wanted to say but felt helpless when it came to actually finding the words to give form to the idea. This phase made me realize that words are really magical. Human beings are alchemists who turn the ether of their thoughts into the base metals of comprehensible ideas through words. Without words what are we?

I used to think that when various religious traditions talk about humans being God’s supreme creation it is because He gave us free will – the right to make choices and consequently change our life paths. However there is one more thing that makes us different from all other creations of God (at least the creations that co-inhabit this planet with us) and that is the gift of words. We have hundreds of languages and each language has thousands of words and each word is important for self-expression.

Without language we are nothing. We need words not only to communicate with others but with ourselves as well. If we didn’t have words how would we think? How do we ascertain how we are feeling unless we give that emotion a name? How do we reflect on our  lives without words?  How do we plan for our future? How do we contemplate on all our mistakes? We need words to know our selves. Some would ask what about the deaf and mute people? Even though they cannot speak to us through spoken words they do use sign and even those who don’t use sign I’m sure they have developed an entirely unique language for themselves, the meaning of which is only known to the individual who created it and through that language they understand themselves and others.

In fact if God hadn’t given us languages He could not have sent us any messengers nor any religious books. He needed to give us language so we could get to Him. We tend to think of ancient man as being primitive but actually our ancestors were closer to the truth than we give them credit for. Since the dawn of mankind ritualistic chanting has been an important aspect of religious ceremony. Be it the tribal chants of the jungle tribes, the hymns of the ancient Aryans or the current practice of reciting out loud  the Quran or other religious books and hymns. When ancient man heard the ‘sacred’  words and felt their power, it was not because of what words were being recited – rather it was the awe of the sound of words i.e. the reverence of words, of language itself.  Over the years, like with everything else, the core truth got ignored somehow and the rituals honouring those truths have taken centre stage. We are caught up in fighting over who speaks which words - we have forgotten that the very fact we can speak is the greatest gift of God.

My Epic Struggle

The most epic struggles of human beings are those in which we battle ourselves. When the conflict is between not just the heart and mind but also that of what we feel is right and what the world tells us to do. I was recently involved in one such battle.

For years I have been teaching my participants that one’s personal values are the compass by which one should take decisions. Any decision one takes contrary to their values, no matter how sound it may be on face value, will eventually result in unhappiness. Of course in order to have this compass one needs to take a very long and hard look at themselves and find out what their values are. What defines them? What principles do they hold dear? Over the course of many years of introspection I have come to the conclusion that the one value which is of utmost priority in my life is ‘Independence’. Everything I have done or not done has been to protect this value.

I was recently offered a job and on the surface it would have meant that I would have been free of the pressure of self-employment. It seemed like a good offer and my friends suggested that I go for it. But for some reason I felt a constriction in my chest every time I thought about accepting this position. I knew that this meant violating my value and I was not happy about that. However if the situation was this simple I would have ended the dilemma there and then. But there were other more important underlying questions for which I was struggling to find answers.

Was this offer a signal from the universe to move on to another level of my career? Was Law of Attraction at play here and this had been manifested as a solution to my problems and stress? Or was this a test from the universe to see if I have the power to remain true to myself? How would I ever be able to stand and deliver my message with congruence ever again if I myself was going against it? The more I deliberated the more confused I became.

I have always maintained that growth requires getting out of our comfort zones and since I was getting uncomfortable with this situation perhaps this was the next chapter in my life’s education curriculum. Logic dictated that I say ‘yes’ but the heart said ‘no’. For every answer another question popped up. And each day I became more and more miserable. I felt as if a heavy weight was bearing down upon me. Each time I imagined myself in that office my heart started pounding.

Being a student of NLP for over 20 years, I have developed a fairly strong bond with my sub-conscious and I’m usually quite receptive to the signals it gives me. When my discomfort wasn’t helping me arrive at a decision, thankfully my sub-conscious took the matter in its own hands. During one of my meetings with my potential employers I suddenly got a massive headache. That headache lasted for over 24 hours and no amount of medicine had any affect on it. It was the worst headache I have ever suffered in over 25 years! Our sub-conscious is much more powerful than our conscious mind. It is always a step ahead and I believe the statement from the Quran that God is closer to us than our jugular and if this is the case then I think He communicates to us through our sub-conscious. Many people unfortunately have become very adept at ignoring this communication. The communication comes as ideas, thoughts, flashes of images but when we pay no heed to these then it resorts to more tangible means like a child saying ‘hear me, hear me’ and when we don’t he tugs our shirt to get attention. The sub-conscious does exactly that…when we do not hear what it is trying to say it sends its message as a physical sensation. The more ignored it feels the harder it tugs i.e. the sensation becomes painful just like my headache.

In the end I listened to my sub-conscious, I went the way of my heart and refused the job. The immense relief I felt let me know that I was right. I had passed the test life had thrown my way and in the process I had validated everything I had been teaching for so long.  Some people may find it strange that a simple employment offer could trigger such a conflict, but I believe that every major decision we take in our lives requires us to take a long hard look at ourselves. This whole episode taught me one very important lesson – sometimes temptations come into our lives masked as opportunities. We should definitely avail opportunities in our lives but not at the expense of our selves.

Celestial Beings

If there is one sight that brings out emotions like awe, peace, inspiration, curiosity and humility in us regardless of our age, culture or religion, it is a starry sky.  It has the capacity to evoke pure and positive emotions in us. No matter how tense we may be, how angry or hopeless, the night sky soothes us, makes us realize the insignificance of our problems and fills us with wonderment.

Our fascination with the night sky is as old as the history of mankind itself. When early man looked up at the glittering universe it was perhaps the first instant when humans became aware of Divinity. When we realized that there was a Higher Power. As our civilization evolved we developed mythologies to explain our relation with the stars, we became fascinated with astronomy and religions from the earliest times to the present day allude to God, hell and heaven all being ‘above’.  From time immemorial humans have always felt a sense of connectedness with the visible universe, it has always been for us the place where we ‘go’ after we die. Somehow the thought of returning to the universe after death makes it easier to accept the finality of our physical existence.

What is surprising is not why we feel this way towards the universe but that for thousands of years we have instinctively known what science has recently confirmed – we are celestial. Every element on this earth including every single molecule in our bodies comes from stars in their death throes – the Supernovae. We are literally made of star material.

The glory of a night sky is all but hidden for all of us who live in cities. The light pollution prevents us from seeing the stars. Our opportunities to look up and gasp in wonder are non-existent unless we go out in the wilderness. The layer of pollution not only blankets the planet it also stands as a barrier between us and our true selves. Just like we are unable to see what is above us, we have become unable to see what is within us. The more we lose touch with the universe the more we are losing touch with all that’s pure and good in ourselves. The more light we have the darker the night sky appears. The more ‘advanced’ human civilization becomes the less visible human beings are becoming to each other. The haze within us is that of intolerance, greed, fear, manipulation and compromises on values and principles. We find it difficult to see people as they really are only as how we want to see them.

We are celestial in our composition and therefore connected with all that is in the universe, and by the same logic we are also all connected to whatever there is on this planet – especially other people. Just because we can’t see the stars doesn’t mean they have disappeared and just because we refuse to see good in people doesn’t mean that people are not good. 

Thank You Life

After spending nearly half a century on this planet, hosting my non-physical self in this physical body, it is perhaps time to take stock of some of the lessons I have learnt so far along this journey.

Perhaps my greatest lesson has been that what you shun most has a way of manifesting itself in your life. Whenever I have been judgemental and by that I mean having put a negative label on anything or anyone based solely on ‘instinct’,  life has somehow thrown that very thing in my path and invariably I have changed my initial opinion. It has been life’s way of teaching me to be non-judgemental and open to perspectives different from me. I take this as a blessing – for indeed only a good teacher will make such an effort to teach an important lesson rather than just giving up on the student. So thank you life saving me from bigotry and fanaticism.

My life has been mostly magical. I have traveled extensively, met a multitude of people and have had many exciting experiences. So it is no wonder that when I hit a bad patch it seemed like the end of the world and many a times I really wanted it to be so. But this was another important lesson that was slowly unfolding. At the end of this chapter I learnt that in the scheme of things a rough ride for a couple of years is really insignificant no matter how bumpy it may have been. The most important thing I learnt is that there is always a solution to the worst of problems, one just needs to keep searching and if you do not give up when you hit the point of desperation, the solution will come to you. So thank you life - for teaching me that even when I have nothing else, if I have my will-power and wits I can survive. And another thank you for introducing me to the strength within me – it will always remain my most cherished possession.

Most people find it unusual that I am single. They think there must be either something wrong with me, or that I am nursing a wounded heart or there has to be some dark secret behind this state of affairs, many even feel sorry for me! Let me dispel all doubts once and for all – I am this way because I choose to be so and believe it or not I’m happy. This has been another lesson life taught me – the difference between romance and marriage. Like most people I have been ‘in love’ many times but none of these relationships seemed to materialize into marriage. At first like most women are conditioned to think, I too started wondering what was wrong with me? Then I took a long hard look at all the people I was ‘in love’ with over the years – and you know what? They were all wrong for me – every single one! Which means that I was deliberately seeking out people with whom I knew sub-consciously that there was no chance of getting into a life long commitment. Upon further analysis, it dawned on me that I really did not want to share my entire life with anyone. Being an only child and extremely independent from an early age I was too selfish to really allow so much space to anyone in my life. I am not saying it is right, but it is me. So thank you life for having given me the wisdom to realize my own limitations and preventing me from making a mistake which would have had disastrous consequences not only for me but at least one more person.

Most people know that my mom suffers from dementia and anyone who has to deal with such a person also knows that living with them is an agonizing experience. My mother has transformed into a person who is so far removed from the person who raised me that at times it is like living with a total stranger. In my worst times when I wished nothing more than to end the whole thing the one thing that prevented me was my mother. Without me there would be no one to take care of her, and that one thought gave me the courage to keep on fighting.  So thank you life for teaching me that no matter what the circumstances may be parents are always a blessing for their children. They don’t just give you life they protect it too.

The say ‘when the student is ready the teacher appears’. I am ready and I know my teacher will continue to teach me many more valuable lessons.

My Defining Books

The most important book in my life is ‘Noddy’s Car’ a picture book which my father gave me when I was three years old. Since I hadn’t learnt to read at that time I badgered others to read it aloud to me and soon I knew the story so well that I could just flip the pages,look at the pictures and follow the story.  Nothing remarkable about that – but then one day magic happened. As I was flipping through the pages I started to read the story, at first I didn’t realize what was happening but then suddenly I realized that I WAS READING! That instant of realization, that moment of wonder is frozen in my memory as if it just happened.  I had acquired the single most important skill which would shape my life forever in that very moment.

Over the next few years I became an avid reader. Being an only child I found companionship in books. Perhaps the single most important influencer in my life other than my parents was Enid Blyton, whose books I grew up with, and many of the values I carry to this day came from her characters. Of all the books I possess my most cherished collection is the Enid Blyton books which sit at the top couple of shelves encased with a glass door.  There was a book shop near the house we lived in at that time and I was its most regular customer, in fact after a while I didn’t even need to go to the shop myself I just sent the money and the store keeper knew which book was next on my reading list. The characters of those books became my friends and I spent hours talking to my imaginary friends. You could say that books saved me as a child, if I did not have them in those early years of my life I wonder how lonely my childhood would have been and what effects would I have suffered as a result of that solitude.

The next milestone on my significant books journey is a book on social anthropology entitled ‘Faces of Mankind’ which I was given at the age of 9. I became fascinated with the different races and tribes that I hadn’t ever encountered before.  I came across the term ‘Neanderthal’ for the first time and found that humans evolved out of ape like creatures. That was the time the history bug bit me for the first time, I wanted to know more, I wanted to uncover old bones and go on digs, in short I announced that I wanted to be an archaeologist.  However my parents had other ideas for their little princess and certainly did not want her digging up old skulls – so that career choice never materialized, but my love for ancient history is still going strong.

Over the next few years I read many books, mostly fiction and management titles Then one day a book was recommended to me by a mentor ‘The Road Less Traveled’ by Dr. Scott Peck.  It is a book on psychology and discusses love, values and spiritual growth. This book opened a completely new path for me. A path of self discovery. I started to examine myself and my relation to my world view, I understood my own emotional fracture points, I realized that life was so much more than mere ambition.  In short I started understanding myself and examining my relationships – a journey which still continues. This book enticed me to read more self-help and spirituality material.  Paolo Coelho’s ‘AIchemist’ is definitely one of my favourite books, but I cannot categorize it as a milestone since it was ‘The Road Less Traveled’ that brought me to it.

Then one day I stumbled upon Robert Bauval’s ‘Orion Mystery’ in which he describes how the Pyramids of Giza are a depiction in stone of the Orion’s belt and how the ancient Egyptians were in fact emulating the cosmos on earth. My love for ancient mysteries and especially Egypt started with this book. Subsequently I started reading anything and everything I could find not only on Egypt but books on a multitude of topics concerning ancient civilizations including the Judaic history and the Ark of the Covenant, the Christian search for the Holy Grail and other ancient mysteries. I read about the Knights Templars, the Illuminati, and other secret societies. In short by the time Dan Brown came out with ‘Davinci Code’ I had already read the background research material on which it was based.

It was but natural that having my mind saturated with history of the rest of the world, I would start looking closer to home i.e. the Indus Valley and Vedic civilization.  Many people find it strange that I have the Upanishad, Rig Veda, Bhagwad Gita on my book shelf. Some have tried to let me know in not so many words that it is ‘not right’ but for me they are a source of knowledge and history. My focus is currently on the myths of Hindu religion and trying to analyze how they may have emanated and what historic events could have over the years snowballed into such fantastic tales. To study a religion does not mean one has converted to it.  My grandfather used to say “if you do not study other religions, you cannot appreciate your own completely” wise words indeed.

I have no idea what the next pit stop of my knowledge journey will be. Which book will take me on which path next is anybody’s guess, all I know is that books have been my surrogate parents thus far. They have played as important a role in my character development and life choices as my real parents. But one thing is for sure from ‘Noddy’s Car’ to ancient history the journey has been not only exciting but also one of expansion and extreme satisfaction.

The Myth Of Respect

In Pakistan we nurse many delusions and one of them is that respect is a quality which is the hallmark of our culture. If it were true then it would be a great asset of this nation, but in fact we confuse respect with courtesy.


Respect means to honour, value and hold in esteem. I believe that respect is a mindset that we either have or don’t. If we have the ability to respect, then it is not just confined to our family but the society as well. The society is a combination of laws, heritage, culture and people. If we respected our society we would not take pride in breaking the laws and showing off that we did. I’m not talking about crime here, just look at the way we drive on our roads, we don’t care what happens to the rest of the traffic as long as we can get ahead. We break signals, we drive in the wrong lanes, we speed and before we say this is lack of education, most of the educated class driving in luxury cars is just as guilty as the bus driver. Is this respect? I don’t think so!

The way we treat some of our most precious national treasures is appalling. Go to any historical site and you will find disfigurement, trash, and no effort to preserve it for posterity. The plight of Mohenjodaro is a tragedy which we should be ashamed of. The government may not be doing anything to preserve our heritage but that doesn’t mean that we should use ancient monuments to carve out our names. We respect our heritage? I don’t think so!

The way we attack public property every time we are excited is again evidence of how we disrespect the communities we live in. Our treatment of people who have points of views contrary to ours is also a case in point. Respect for human beings means we acknowledge and honour their right to be individuals and free thinkers, but the level of intolerance in our society tells a different story.

There are people who say that when we go abroad we become model citizens and it is the lack of law enforcement which is at the root of our problems. Perhaps so, but I feel we confuse fear with respect also - to do something out of fear means it is not our natural tendency to do so and given the chance we will revert to our original behaviour.

Whether we like to hear it or not, we are a supremely selfish nation. If our politicians only think of their own wealth it should not shock us. We too only think of our selves. We need instant gratification and for that purpose it doesn’t matter who or what we destroy. We don’t like to talk about these things and we find external reasons for our behaviours. But the problem lies within and that’s what we should examine with brutal honesty.